rachero/racheru???

Ok y'all. Im going to take a break for a while. I had to do the same thing around this time last year (but for very different reasons)…. I'm thinking maybe this blog has served its purpose. I'd rather be more private about things for now, and because I'm now a lot more responsible, I'm going to be focussing (big time) on my career and all the stakeholders involved (mainly the kids that I teach). For now ,this is because of my workload. I just can’t do this for the foreseeable future, which at the moment, means until at least mid July (if I do in fact choose to write again).

I am going to make more of an effort to read emails and I’ll check into facebook and myspace. Plus, for those of you that do read this, I see most of you anyways.

For those that are overseas (not here in NZ), I will write back if you drop me a line. I can’t guarantee it will be straight away, but I’ll try. I’m on holidays until the end of the week, so if you want to, you can even call. Cool, eh????!!!

I watched the movie ‘candy’ the other day and it rocked. I saw ‘crash’ too, and that is a great flick. They are good movies that leave you with the feeling that there are many reasons to change for in this world. And it’s all about everyone else. Good, yeah?

For now, I will leave you with this.

Long afloat on shipless oceans

I do all my best to smile

Til your singing eyes and fingers

Drew me loving to your arms

I’m as puzzled as a newborn child

I’m as troubled as the tide

Should I stand beneath the breakers....
..........................................................

...BE SOMETHING BRAVE…..

Hey. Just thought you need to know a few things that might help you out one day. You are in the throws of highschool (1993-1997). Its now 1995 and you are nearly 16. As they say, it’s all down hill from here. You will turn out okay, but I was thinking about you and thought I might be able to help you out with a few things, so I’m gonna try and do so.

Life will change so much for you!! The things that you do think will matter will not and the things you think don’t think matter, will.

Slow down and learn to think things through a little more. Don’t be in such a hurry to fix things all the time. I know you hate making mistakes and wasting time, but too much pace sometimes causes a lot of stress and a lot of mess.

I’ll get this out of the way now, quickly. It may hurt to read this, so take a deep breath… you won’t be any of the things you think you want to be now. But keep your passions (music) and try to find things that you are good at.... dyslexia will not be a problem; you will overcome and even help others by doing so.

Try and pick your friends well. This is a big year for you and if you want to avoid lots of detentions and a minor scrape with the law later in the year, then this may be the most urgent advice I give you. I know you will learn your lesson fast, but it may take a few years for you to be able to really adjust again. I know that you have two sets of friends, kind of like the ‘goodies’ and ‘badies’. I also know that you will make the right decision in the end.

Your friend Chanel will not be with you for long. Even though she always comes back after lunch smelling like cigarettes (cos she’s smoking over at the park), be fully tolerant. You will only have her here for a few more years, before a member of the first fifteen rugby team murders her after she rejects his proposal of marriage, then committing suicide himself. Tell her she’s a good friend of yours and always will be, since that is what she is. This will also be good advice to be utilised in regards to Leon (motorbike accident), Christine (breast cancer), Marc (gun handling accident), Paul (suicide), Gareth (car accident crossing a motorway while in Canada), Shane (Army accident) and Leo (cancer).

Spend more time with both of your grandfathers. They will not be here for much longer either. They have a lot of life experience to share with you. Just ask.

Be nice to your teachers. Trust me on this one. You have no idea how hard being a teacher is. Be especially good in Ms Blair’s class. She is tutoring you (for maths, even though she is your science teacher), not out of obligation, but because she actually cares about you. And she knows what is going on at home.

Try not to hate school too much. You are not dumb or anything, but you will spend more time in the school environment than your peers. And you will not find this out until around 13 or 14 years time.

Be a part of the school life. It will be much easier to do this now, rather than later on. Join all the committees that are going to make your CV look awesome in the future. I know you will choose sports that come easy to you (like cricket, hockey and badminton, that you are playing this year), but try other things too, like maybe writing for the school paper and joining the school council.

You know how you changed your subject choice form for this year, from studying Japanese to studying French instead, without your Parents permission? This will have a funny coincidental effect in around 10 years time…. 

Don’t worry about what people think of you. This influences too much of how you act. You may not think that you are worth much and at times that may feel to be the way, but your really tight friends, especially Kelly and Lisa, would do anything for you if you just tell them what is going on. Plus, you are cool.

Don’t have stupid fights with your sisters. Being one of three sisters is hard. Someone always takes sides, hey. But the next couple of years will be the last ones that you have like this with the eldest. Her career is going to take her many places, even overseas, and the closeness that you have is going to disappear.

Go easy on the youngest sister. You are too hard on her. She will make some mistakes, but all the competitiveness and words that are said should fade away. This seems to happen almost instantly on 6 February 2002. You two will grow closer. She becomes seemingly ‘awesome’ (although in retrospect I’m sure she always was). She will leave home mid-teens, and you struggle to even ‘like’ each other for awhile. She will need your help at times, and later on, you will need hers. She will even try to rescue you from danger when you are really in trouble.

Don’t run away. Nothing cool ever comes from it. Learn to face things, wherever possible.

Stop eating so much junk food!! You won’t die from it or anything, but you are going to have to work very hard because of it in the future!! Sugar is not cool!! Just take note of this now to save a lot of gym work, running and money later on!!

University is not a ‘given’ to you. Although there are people who tell you that you are smart, and you always doubt it (naturally), remember not to believe the hype. Study is hard work. You may have plans to go to varsity, but don’t count your chickens before they hatch.

You don’t automatically go to university, even though you apply for compassionate consideration from being sick in exams. At first you will struggle with this, as it seemed a natural progression for you. All your friends continue on with their tertiary education and you seem stuck for awhile and just work for a few months. You will have some very hard days to battle and lose focus a bit. A friend hooks you up, unknowingly, and you get an interview with a liaison officer and within two weeks, you are granted provisional entrance to university. You must pass all your courses to stay there. You will excel and will even be granted entry into Criminology (at the only university in the country that offers the course) with only half year grades. You will get your degree, plus a post graduate degree, even returning to more study later on.

You are going to learn to drive this year (1995). You are naturally good at this, but take it easy to avoid an accident. Be especially wary later on, on a crazy weather day 26 September 1999. However, you will be okay and escape from it with no injuries. Can’t say the same for the car.

Be good to your mum. She will have to endure things for a larger amount of time than you will. She may lie to you and even put you in danger. But forgive her. I know you hate her at times for putting you through the situation at home and making you feel unsafe, but she can’t see her options. And, she loves your dad. But her kids are all she really has. And she will help you out when you are overseas and eating weird foreign food, and also when you become a struggling student (again!).

Talk to someone about all the hard stuff you feel. Things do not go away, no matter how or where you try to hide them. You will become stronger, but only after being knocked down a lot. It hurts and is frustrating and you find it hard to articulate things, but you will become a lot stronger. I promise.

Don’t start smoking. It will be the hardest thing you will ever have to give up. And if you start, you will have to quit more than once.

You may take a job at McDonalds. You will then have to work for everything you have. There is no going back. If you do take the job, be careful of how many hours you work there. You will have a lot of money but your school work will be likely to suffer the most.

You are going to have heaps of other jobs. The best ones will be being a teacher aide (before you even leave school) as well as working in a music shop and a video shop. And you will get lots of cool (and free!) stuff.

Look for opportunities. Make things happen. That is what life is all about. Stay open to all cultures. Find new dreams. Take time out to do some soul searching.

Matt becomes your best friend. Yes, Matt becomes your best friend. Who knew?

You and Ana slowly build your friendship back. In fact, it takes years. Don’t let her slip this time.

You and Lisa, who you have known since you were five, will grow apart. You and Kelly will always be friends but will live in different countries. You may find you only have contact once a month, or even once every 6 months. But it’s ok. You don’t need to find your value in others. Learn to know and love yourself now or else there will be many tears and regrets realised later.

For the future, if a guy called Arion asks you out, say yes. You will learn lots from the relationship. If a guy called Drew asks you out, say yes. He will help you focus on the important things and although you will not go out for long, he will help pull you out of depression. He’ll become a good friend. There may be a bit of heartache here and there, but you’re a survivor. And things get a lot better!!

After doing small jobs, you will take on a job in July 2003, just as your best friend Matt moves to Japan. The job looks good at the start, but becomes boring quickly. Don’t stress. By September, you will get a job in Japan too. You are supposed to go in January, but will be asked to wait until February. You decide to take off in March 2004.

You may from time to time, think that you want to go back and change things that didn’t work out necessarily how you planned. Relax. If it’s meant to turn around and come back it will. And believe me, most things will. However if not, accept it.

Stop pretending to ‘study’! Everyone knows you’re partying hard, but remember its best to actually do some study from time to time.

You will royally screw up every now and then. I’m not going to say it doesn’t matter, because it does.

You will (foolishly) hurt people. Not intentionally. Do your best not to. In some cases, it may be the last time you will ever see them again. Try not to use excuses to balance this. Instead, just don’t hurt anyone because you don’t just hurt them, you hurt yourself as well.

You will lose Kyra - and a couple of others - through lack of care for their feelings and you will regret this. Try to fix it if possible; these instances can sometimes make it hard to look at yourself in the mirror and convince yourself you’re doing a good job.

You will be sick for both your school certificate (year 10) and bursary exams (year 12). For school cert, you have food poisoning. For bursary, you contract a flu strain virus. Even now I’m not sure if that is lucky or not. You will be forced to do Maths which is too hard for you in year 12 and this will bother you no end. You will eventually stop showing up and therefore get your worst grade of the year for Maths. Surprise, surprise.

You may suck at Maths, but you will be good at Geography, English, Criminology and Economics. Study periods in year 12 will prove pointless and unproductive for you.

Your dad is going to let you down. Be honest, and admit your faults. I can’t really tell you too much at this stage, but he may not be the dad you were hoping for, and although this is disappointing, you will be alright. Even though things may seem to be getting better, they will not. You end up not even speaking to each other. It’s sad at first, but inevitable.

It’s not always easy for people to change.

People matter. I can’t stress this enough.

Responsibility is... BIG.

If you are given a reprieve, it’s good to remember just how thin it is.

You will recover. Somehow. Just know it.

Japan will change your life in ways you can’t imagine. Too much to write here, but key words are NOVA, Claire, Helen, Oli, Matt, Dave, Mike (Nova – early dayz), Val, Lisa, Becca, Georgie, Jane, Izumi, Audra, Bronwyn, and believe it or not, Ruth. And a million or so cool Japanese people…

You will return to NZ, but find it doesn’t feel like home. The biggest inconvenience of study is having no money, which takes a bit of adjustment. But you will still continue to travel. You gotst the travel bug!!

There will be days when all you want to do is sleep. Rock bottom hits in March 2007, which extends on to about July. You will get things done, but you’re not gonna feel crash-hot about doing them.

Take care of your health. You are going to suffer from migraines and they are going to hurt your head very badly and cause you a lot of grief. It will even interfere with future employment. But see a doctor as soon as possible. They will be diagnosed as being triggered by trauma, since you have no real history of them. You are going to be one stop short of having to prevent them, which is taking its toll on your body as well as your brain.

You won’t be cheated on! At least I don’t think you have ever been…

You will experience loss in all its shapes and forms. You will learn how to deal.

You may want to create a village sometimes, but other times you will enjoy just being alone and that’s ok.

Don’t let people hurt you. Don’t let people physically hurt you either.

Life changes so fast! Each day is a new beginning. 2007 will suck, but 2008 will be better and you will meet someone along your travels that delights you day-to-day. See, there is hope!!

You won’t do bad drugs or become an alcoholic.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to fall in love with them and a lifetime to forget them. Believe this. I sometimes find myself thinking of completely random people from my past. And I smile. You will too.

Mid 2007, you will meet a gaggle of around 19 people who become very important to you. You realise lecturers are actually human and can remember people’s names. A few pull out of study along the way, but Katie, Tara, Cameron, Hayden and Kim become your closest pals.

Employment should be easy for you and at times you will need to juggle jobs… but work on your time management skills. And get plenty of sleep.

Treasure those that cross your path. You don’t have control over those that you are meant to meet, but show them that the time you spend with them is valuable. Not just flash-in-the-pan kind of stuff. I know you value people, but show THEM so they know it.

Take a deep breath and know that things will be okay, even though there are times you think things can’t possibly get any worse.

There are things you need to fight for… and other things that you don’t. Try your best to logically and responsibly fight for the things that matter. For important things, you will have younger people (in your family and outside your family) relying on you to do this… and even they may not realise this yet.

Although you will feel like your life is just ticking along most days, you will carry a sense of accomplishment and success, with a bit of regret. At times things can seem unfulfilling but you will generally be happy.

Hold your head high. I love you and remember… you are your father’s child. You know what I mean! 

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

you wanna talk like me? here is some kiwi slang for ya... (to my nz peeps, you can just ignore this... you already know it, hey...)

cop-out, good as gold, going bush, ice block, home and hosed, laughing gear, loo, guts for garters, barbie, throw a wobbly, you wuss, cheesed off, up the creek, boo - eye, skint, sparkie, crib, flatmate, cheerio, tip, supper, tucker, bungy, caravan, bach, down the gurgler, ear bashing, sook, even stevens, gross, hoon, pavlova, quack, get the willies, cuppa, mate, tiki tour, lounge, kumara, fair enough, marmite, westie, cuz, footie, rust bucket, scarce as hens teeth, arvo, flicks, chippy, greasies, cheers, cracker, fizzy drink, away laughing, brickie, kiwifruit, ta, give us a bell, long drop, l&p, joker, bloke, across the ditch, ankle biter, ripped off, sussed out, take a hike, bludger, pakaru-ed, rellies, half pai, gone bush, hard yakka, fair go, crash hot, lollies, nana-ed, strapped for cash, loaded, half charged, pressie, piker, yack, squiz, sunnies, sunday driver, rark up, crook, mad as a meat axe, nana, nap, kip, knackered, torch, chrissy, chunder, pressies, chook, sconed, eh, nappy, old bomb, oldies, the olds, whinger, shoot through, shout, jumper, cardie, sickie, scungy, smidgen, local rag, marnis, bikie, brassed off, daylight robbery, dreaded, lurgy, dodgy, hit the sack, rough as guts, grouse, sitting on the fence, get off the grass, mates rates, bust your gut, no worries, plonker, no sweat, stone the crows, stuffed, prang, neck of the woods, rubbished, flat stick, wicked, oi, hard case, pudding.

if you couldn't understand (any) of this or want translations to the things you maybe would never know, 'give me a hollar' or 'give us a bell' and i'll set ya straight.

good luck!

and, as always... peace.

well, as of tomorrow, ive been in nz for 1 year. 1 week and 1 day.
it would be cliched to say that it has gone fast. at times, yes. at other times, no. school has gone fast and made things accelarate at a pace i never knew existed. and there have been other times that i have just wanted to get out of here.
in the last couple of weeks, i've thought about hanging around here for a few years to work. i think i will do this - ill still travel, but not to live anywhere. maybe just trips for leisure and inspiration. im a bit too commited to other things here. just stuff, ya know.

home. im not sure this is my home. it doesn't feel like it. it's never felt really like home since i got back. i think when you leave, you just close things up, like a chapter. i dont feel attached here, im just seeing how things go. so much has changed since i was away, and then again since ive been back. i think my friends here have helped make this work for me... which brings me to my thought for today...

don't judge people by what they do or don't do. its not your place. i don't judge people. what i think i connect to is (your) personality. so a tip - dont judge people solely by actions, because we all do horrible things, but it doesnt necessarily make us horrible people. instead, judge me (i cant think of another way to put it) by my personality. that would be better.

peace out.

So, the reason why I couldn’t write sooner, was because ‘some GENIUS’ (note the commas that indicate and confirm that it wasn’t me) decided to defragment this computer and wiped my passwords. Actually, its not quite that dramatic. They did do the defragmenting thing, and it meant that I lost all my passwords because I usually tick the ‘remember me’ option so I don’t always have to log in from scratch. Anyhoo, that’s why I haven’t been updating.

At the end of last year, we were warned that the two classes from our midyear intake would be likely to combine this year, since a number of people had already dropped out. So they did it. It looks like im turning into a fairly studious person. But really, I find myself getting to class early cos the class is so big now, and I want to get a seat. I wanna be able to get the seat I choose and even sit with my crew – and getting to class late… SHAME!!

Quote of the week goes to (marky) mark – not the funky bunch. He doesn’t have one. We were finishing the last rounds of introductions because of the class combining thing. Anyways, mark goes ‘I’m mark and I’m in rehab’. We all laughed. It doesn’t seem as funny now that I write it, but it is true. He’s in rehab because he busted his leg at a sports day at his last school. Anytime I see him now, I think of that Amy Winehouse song ‘Rehab’. Mark is cool, he is still in some of our classes, but he has to do his second school experience all over again. Dude.

School is good. I spent the full week in primary school with my class. I’m teaching 20 (aha, 20!) 5 year olds. And they are fantastic. They have some weird habits and I’m constantly washing my hands, but they are all sooooo cute!! My associate teacher is awesome. I think I’m gonna learn lots from her. I think she’ll learn from me too. I’m her first student teacher, so I am the one that breaks her in.

I find the staffroom situation a bit lonely at times. It’s the first time that I have been a school where there has been no other student teacher to bounce ideas and stuff off. The staff are ok, and are getting friendlier and helping me with getting things I need to for t-coll, but I find it all a bit of a pain at times. Still, if I make a good enough impression I might be able to get a job there at the end of my placement, or maybe some relieving work, so I’m hoping for good things. On the first week I met a girl who did about 9 months in Japan, working at Nova. She worked in Saitama, which is where I was based for my first year. We talk about traveling a lot, and the things that cracked us up about Japan: the all-night karaoke, the standing up noodle bars, and the way the train guards in their ‘stellar’ brown uniforms (Tobu Tojo: REPRESENT) push commuters onto trains – all good!  She said I was the first person she had met that had worked there. I guess she is the first person (as a stranger) that I have met that has worked there. Fun times.

The reliever I was working with on Wednesday did a stint in Korea, so we had a good chat about that. We realised we had quite a bit in common, even the fact that we have/had the same professional studies tutor and came back to do the teaching thing after doing it overseas. I wasn’t too sure of her during the day, but it turned out great. She offered me a lift home, but cam was hooking me up, so I was all good.

On a sadder note though, her mum has been sick for the last few years. On Friday, at the end of my first week, she told me how the situation was. I assured her that if she had to head up to Auckland to see her mum then I’d be ok. The next day was the day of the school gala. Her mum died that day. I had t-coll all week except for Wednesday when I went to the primary school. I kinda new what had happened. I asked the reliever if she was ok and everything, and she told me that my AT’s mum had passed away.

It meant that I had a fairly cruisy day. I spent 9am til 12pm doing pmp rotations (half hour PE sessions for young kids). The afternoon was cruisy just helping out with behaviour management things. I spent morning tea time and lunchtime researching for my upcoming PE and maths assignments. I found some awesome PE books. So I spent some time flicking through them. A good surprise was seeing Alan, who relieved in the class I was teaching in at my last school. Alan is the man. There was an entire day that we just did paper mache (think the spelling is ok) then had morning tea, then swimming, the lunch, then paper mache again. So I think Alan is cool! I hope he does more relieving work when I do my sole charge.

A couple of annoying things popped up. On Saturday (actually the 8th) I got a summons from the courts for jury service. In NZ if you don’t show, you get fined. My service was scheduled for the end of April, but as my sole charge is a month later, its too stressful to even think about. Ordinarily, I’d love to do it (my criminology background and all), but its just bad timing. I’ve spent the last week getting evidence to support my request to be excused. Chris (my tutor) was awesome. He mentioned it in one of the lectures though, and I went red. I hate when people embarrass others, but hes a good guy, so I guess its ok.. He said ‘you didn’t want to go anyway, did you?’ I just shrugged. As I said before, any other time, I’d go.

I managed to avoid the three-in-one birthday party of my dad, sister and brother. It just wouldn’t of been fun for me. I caught up with my sister for coffee on Friday. I see my brother around. And that’s that. My older sister is moving away because she is being promoted. Her husband leaves a couple of months later. I will miss them. That’s the sister who had the b'day last week.

So things are changing. I’m changing. Maybe I’m just made of different stuff nowadays. I don’t know. As long as things are real, it is all good.

Thoughts for the day(s):

Many hands make light work. Work together!

There is good in everyone. Try and see it. We are here for a reason and sometimes even that’s hard to see.

Treasure the good things in your life. Especially people.

Use your talents for good purposes.

Ok, I best go… laters. 

im sorry but i cant personally email anyone at the moment. im way busy. sorry.

today is my day off, but needed it to recouperate. had a doctors appointment and had to change some yen to nz$ to survive until tomorrow. i thought about just fasting, but thats not the right way to go about things, and i need to get some books for school tomorrow.  cant wait to get paid my study allowance! and the rest of the week ill be catching up on the readings i missed cos i couldnt afford my books on time....

im feeling tired that im now back at school. i thought my art would be awful, but it turns out my drawing is alright, so im a bit more amped up about it. i have a fairly average maths tutor, so thats a bit awkward. technology is average, too. p.e is good. so is dance.

big hi to hayley who is back on her dancing show on tv. go hayles!!! you did well last night!! second place!! good stuff!

the hardest bit at the moment is this: im trying to stop biting my nails. i do it because i suffer from anxiety in a big way. i had been taking anti-anxiety medication, in conjunction with stress and energy meds (which my sisters are also on, too. interestingly, none of us knew each other took the same meds... what does that tell us? coincidence? i dont think so). anyhoo, im not on the anxiety ones anymore and instead, i now have painted stuff (which tastes DISGUSTING on my nails... so if you see me in class (this is totally to my peers), try to remind me not to bite them, PLEASE!!! and if you happen so see me making strange facials, its probably because i tried to bite them!! i got off the anxiety ones, because of the bad rap they have been getting in the media. and i dont wanna take any major chances...

anyhoo...

to the peeps, catch yas around.

my big thing at the moment is this... and it counts no matter what, so to all who need to hear it...

I FORGIVE YOU.

full on!
been having awesome summer days, and afternoon sleeps, which is totally earned with the 5.30am starts at the gym. but the upside is that i am in the best shape ive been in for a few years, so ... wicked!

managed to catch up with a (now) mutual friend. my friend mark, from church (japan), told me about his friend susanne who is doing a year here in wellington as a missionary. we finally caught up around the middle of january on a cruisy saturday morning, and it was nice. very cool to get some fresh inpiration from a totaly different point of view and place... and we talked about some absolutely crazy things! and she said she is here for at least a year, which is cool, so she may stay longer! cool bananas.

all the people in my joint were away at the same time which meant that i had the whole place to myself for 4 days. it was sweet. after that, they difted back in slowly but steadily. but it was great having some 'real' space.

sad to hear that heath ledger is dead. i think ive seen all of his films. he was the same age as me. but its just a waste. really tragic. he was definitely one of my favourite actors (without all the crazy hype).

great to hear from you overseas peeps. i miss yas. i really do.

i cant believe that its almost the end of the month. where is time going? of course, ive been thinking tonnes, but resting lots, too. i think this first half of the year is going to be crazy... but that is exciting.

later... up, up, up and away.

haha... im trying to get this in before the end of the day, and i think it may just happen.

happy new year all! yay...its 2008. i love the new year, cos it always feels like you can start with a clean slate. cool!

goings on: so, as i mentioned the other day my ankle is a bit bung. i can't run yet, but i can walk,,, although walking down steps in mighty painful. ouchy. cam came over the other day with a stack of dvds. was good. i did feel guilty at times because it was such a nice day, but we had regular 'oxygen breaks' outside. nice.
yesterday was good. i had a fairly lax day. i went out for coffee, and then had a bit of 'me' time, and a bit of God time. then i went over to where my younger sisters family are house-sitting at the moment. its this huge place. we had a barbeque and we were so not stressed about anything... just kicking back. so much so that at midnight, we completely missed the 'actual midnight'. but its all good.
if i have a new years resolution, i think it is to stress less. ill try... (not to)... stress, i mean. and to help me combat that stress, i want to exercise more so i can relieve stress, if that makes sense. and i just want to be my best - whatever God intends that to be.
after a cruisy morning - and im gonna use the ankle injury as a (lame) excuse here - i watched the tackiest tv programme i think i have ever seen: 'age of love'. dont watch it. its actually really awful. i swear.
after that, i then headed out for a swim, then came home. to do some more cleaning.
i know what you are thinking. what a boring start to the year, hey. maybe, but im happy and excited. true.
oh, and i found an answer that i think fits my conundrem from one of my entries the other day... about change. it came about after cam read my entry and we were chatting. i think that we can change things and things then turn out a different way - sometimes better, sometimes worse. but when it comes to changing things about ourselves, we do it for the people that we love. i think there are a heap of circumstances that can come here and influence it... but im ready to leave that thought behind. i dont wanna get stuck thinking about things too much this year. honestly, and my true friends know this, i just dont have the time.

i think i have seven weeks until i am back at school! im going to love being a teacher! we get the BEST holidays!!

thought (for the moment): simplicity is the key. i think.

i am in pain. today i sprained my ankle, and all before i was expected to play with my nephew and niece and their new christmas gadgets, as i had promised i would. in fact, it was while i was jumping off my bed to leave my room, after cleaning it. literally jumping. i heard a massive clunk as i hit the ground, followed my a massive EXTREME pain and then reality settling in and trying to see if i could move my toes or even walk. but its just a sprain and for that i am happy. at least its not broken. but, man it hurt. so bad :(. i dont think i iced it enough or rested it enough, so thats why (i think) i am in pain at the moment. ouch!

i was shopping this morning with lou (my younger sister) and i bumped into my friend hannah. shes living in sydney now and i didnt even know she was back. the last time we caught up was probably around 6 or 7 years ago, so it was great to have a casual, allbeit accidental catch up. shes a good sort - we met WAAAAY back when i worked at McDonalds, so that would be around 1996. i do miss my friends from that era of my life. that event today, had me thinking back to different pockets of my life. i sometimes think how things may of worked out if i had done things differently, but back when i was a teenager, i had far less control over things that happened. and when i think of the people that i went through those (sometimes difficult) situations with, i realise that i dont think i could have influenced things very much. no real power. and the coolest bit is, those people (which includes angie, ana, kelly, glenn,  and patrick) are still here in my life right now. thats the best. and i love them. all. and i only now can remember the good things. thats really cool.
and these days things are slightly different. i gave God control some time back. and i often have to remind myself of that on a conscious level. not a spiritual one - the Holy Spirit does that for me. im just thankful these days. thankful that God gives me strength. i dont really want him to move the mountains he puts before me. but i do wanna conquer them. thats how i know i will be able to face the same situations again in the future. but handle it better.
im a bit guarded at the moment. i tend to close up like that bud bit of a flower after something happens. i think it may be because of the break up thing, and im actually fine with talking about it. its quite cathartic. but i know when i learn my lessons, i learn them well. and things are gonna take some time again, but thats cool. i got all the time in the world and im in no rush.
next week, im catching up with my friend matthew. im out of action for new years eve, due to that ankle thing, but a quiet new years wont kill me. plus, ill see my classmates in a few days time, anyway.
i saw the movie 'the pursuit of happyness' last night on dvd while i hung out with hayley, jason and taungaroa. i think that it is now my fanourite movie. it narrowly beats out love actually, empire records, hitch, and all my other favourites. amazing. but what a beautiful story. as ive said before, i gotta stop watching movies that make me cry too much. im turning into... a wuss. lol.

one thing that i picked up in my reading that im questioning a bit, but not reading too much into, (so dont ponder it too much)... 'when you try to change someone you destroy who they were'... i dont know about this. but i think you know if you need to change something. i dont think you should try to change someone, really. maybe if they need to change they can work that out for themselves, or they can be alerted to it in many different ways. this studying stuff is doing huge things to me!! maybe i just need to stop reading for a week????!!!

anyhoo, if i dont post before new years, have a good one. if this just sounds like im rambling, im sorry. im about to take some painkillers. maybe i should have done that before i did this!

peace and love and be happy. pursue it.

had the best week of my life! it started off with me handing in my last maori assignment - maybe i could have done more on it, but i think i covered all the bases... only to find out half an hour later, that the administration people lost the last part of my science assignment that i handed in over a month ago (the day before noho marae)! needless to say, i wasnt too impressed. but i took a deep breath and printed out another copy of it - lucky i had my usb thing with me - and handed it in. got it back yesterday (they had to speedily mark it) and i passed, no worries! so im happy!

handed in the portfolio on thursday - what a relief. it probably isn't my best work, but if my supervisor agrees with me, then i'll be resubmitting it, for sure. hope not. i wanna enjoy my last week of t-coll. we got a party planned for kim on wednesday (our day off cos we dont have to go to primary school), even though her b-day is tuesday and we managed to wing it so we get thursday off, too! man, we are good!! we would normally do a two hour maths tutorial on thursdays between 9.30-11.30am (now that maori is finished), but we did a nice compacted FOUR HOUR tutorial last thursday so we could get next thursday off. were we foolish? (as mr. t  - from the a-team - would say 'i pity the fool...'). im not sure. but man, that tutorial felt like the longest tutorial in the world! english is sooo boring at the moment. we just booked out a computer lab and cruised around all the 'helpful' ICT websites. and where are they digging up all those guest speakers from, that we are getting for science, now that all the important stuff is over?
we dont do science or social studies again, so its fairly safe to say we are now 'qualified' for them. i will miss them. however, we do maths and english again next year. yay. not.
we get to do the arts (music, dance and drama) next year, as well as health and pe. i should be ok with them. but i think we have to choose between one of the 3 arts areas. im not sure which one id like to do yet. i guess any would be ok. i think we have to choose between first aid and swimming. ive already done CPR courses and i taught swimming at my last school with next-to-no training. i basically used what i saw my nephew learning with his instructor, when i used to take him swimming before i started t-coll. none of my kids could float before i taught them and i pretty much had them swimming in 12 sessions. woo ha.
social studies rocked on tuesday. we did a cool game where we said something (anonymously) about someone else in the class. cam and shari said the nicest things to me. i got cam. high 5. thats what you get for being best friends.
props to hayden who also chose cam and said 'has a face that has launched a thousand ships...'... i got you, bro!! i so knew it was you who said that about cam. trust me, when you spend as much time with cam and hayden, as i have, its pretty much impossible not to be able to tell their humour!!
enjoyed wednesday off! sooo relaxing in the sunshine!!
friday was a halfday. went with cam after class. his house has just been sold, we did a drive-by to check out his 'possible' new digs. interesting.
slept last night. no hw (see code for HOMEWORK). i woke up at 3.30am, and did sudoku til 7am, them went back to sleep and got up at 9.30 ish. nice!
today has been great. just catching up on stuff that ive been missing out on cos of school (like greys anatomy episodes, etc). if i dont get anything to resubmit on monday, them ill even get out some dvds! how exciting! still trying to clean my room - i think its gonna take a while. im hiffing a lot of stuff out, so if anyone is looking for anything (a bit vague, i know), come and see me and i'll see what i can hook you up with.
'take care' shout out goes to tara! be careful when you are surfing. i thought some dude dropped in on you. sorry that your surfboard hit you in the head in shallow water (although im still a bit unsure how that quite happened...).
think im gonna head out for a swim tomorrow morning... cant wait!!

nighty night....