rachero/racheru???

i am in pain. today i sprained my ankle, and all before i was expected to play with my nephew and niece and their new christmas gadgets, as i had promised i would. in fact, it was while i was jumping off my bed to leave my room, after cleaning it. literally jumping. i heard a massive clunk as i hit the ground, followed my a massive EXTREME pain and then reality settling in and trying to see if i could move my toes or even walk. but its just a sprain and for that i am happy. at least its not broken. but, man it hurt. so bad :(. i dont think i iced it enough or rested it enough, so thats why (i think) i am in pain at the moment. ouch!

i was shopping this morning with lou (my younger sister) and i bumped into my friend hannah. shes living in sydney now and i didnt even know she was back. the last time we caught up was probably around 6 or 7 years ago, so it was great to have a casual, allbeit accidental catch up. shes a good sort - we met WAAAAY back when i worked at McDonalds, so that would be around 1996. i do miss my friends from that era of my life. that event today, had me thinking back to different pockets of my life. i sometimes think how things may of worked out if i had done things differently, but back when i was a teenager, i had far less control over things that happened. and when i think of the people that i went through those (sometimes difficult) situations with, i realise that i dont think i could have influenced things very much. no real power. and the coolest bit is, those people (which includes angie, ana, kelly, glenn,  and patrick) are still here in my life right now. thats the best. and i love them. all. and i only now can remember the good things. thats really cool.
and these days things are slightly different. i gave God control some time back. and i often have to remind myself of that on a conscious level. not a spiritual one - the Holy Spirit does that for me. im just thankful these days. thankful that God gives me strength. i dont really want him to move the mountains he puts before me. but i do wanna conquer them. thats how i know i will be able to face the same situations again in the future. but handle it better.
im a bit guarded at the moment. i tend to close up like that bud bit of a flower after something happens. i think it may be because of the break up thing, and im actually fine with talking about it. its quite cathartic. but i know when i learn my lessons, i learn them well. and things are gonna take some time again, but thats cool. i got all the time in the world and im in no rush.
next week, im catching up with my friend matthew. im out of action for new years eve, due to that ankle thing, but a quiet new years wont kill me. plus, ill see my classmates in a few days time, anyway.
i saw the movie 'the pursuit of happyness' last night on dvd while i hung out with hayley, jason and taungaroa. i think that it is now my fanourite movie. it narrowly beats out love actually, empire records, hitch, and all my other favourites. amazing. but what a beautiful story. as ive said before, i gotta stop watching movies that make me cry too much. im turning into... a wuss. lol.

one thing that i picked up in my reading that im questioning a bit, but not reading too much into, (so dont ponder it too much)... 'when you try to change someone you destroy who they were'... i dont know about this. but i think you know if you need to change something. i dont think you should try to change someone, really. maybe if they need to change they can work that out for themselves, or they can be alerted to it in many different ways. this studying stuff is doing huge things to me!! maybe i just need to stop reading for a week????!!!

anyhoo, if i dont post before new years, have a good one. if this just sounds like im rambling, im sorry. im about to take some painkillers. maybe i should have done that before i did this!

peace and love and be happy. pursue it.

had the best week of my life! it started off with me handing in my last maori assignment - maybe i could have done more on it, but i think i covered all the bases... only to find out half an hour later, that the administration people lost the last part of my science assignment that i handed in over a month ago (the day before noho marae)! needless to say, i wasnt too impressed. but i took a deep breath and printed out another copy of it - lucky i had my usb thing with me - and handed it in. got it back yesterday (they had to speedily mark it) and i passed, no worries! so im happy!

handed in the portfolio on thursday - what a relief. it probably isn't my best work, but if my supervisor agrees with me, then i'll be resubmitting it, for sure. hope not. i wanna enjoy my last week of t-coll. we got a party planned for kim on wednesday (our day off cos we dont have to go to primary school), even though her b-day is tuesday and we managed to wing it so we get thursday off, too! man, we are good!! we would normally do a two hour maths tutorial on thursdays between 9.30-11.30am (now that maori is finished), but we did a nice compacted FOUR HOUR tutorial last thursday so we could get next thursday off. were we foolish? (as mr. t  - from the a-team - would say 'i pity the fool...'). im not sure. but man, that tutorial felt like the longest tutorial in the world! english is sooo boring at the moment. we just booked out a computer lab and cruised around all the 'helpful' ICT websites. and where are they digging up all those guest speakers from, that we are getting for science, now that all the important stuff is over?
we dont do science or social studies again, so its fairly safe to say we are now 'qualified' for them. i will miss them. however, we do maths and english again next year. yay. not.
we get to do the arts (music, dance and drama) next year, as well as health and pe. i should be ok with them. but i think we have to choose between one of the 3 arts areas. im not sure which one id like to do yet. i guess any would be ok. i think we have to choose between first aid and swimming. ive already done CPR courses and i taught swimming at my last school with next-to-no training. i basically used what i saw my nephew learning with his instructor, when i used to take him swimming before i started t-coll. none of my kids could float before i taught them and i pretty much had them swimming in 12 sessions. woo ha.
social studies rocked on tuesday. we did a cool game where we said something (anonymously) about someone else in the class. cam and shari said the nicest things to me. i got cam. high 5. thats what you get for being best friends.
props to hayden who also chose cam and said 'has a face that has launched a thousand ships...'... i got you, bro!! i so knew it was you who said that about cam. trust me, when you spend as much time with cam and hayden, as i have, its pretty much impossible not to be able to tell their humour!!
enjoyed wednesday off! sooo relaxing in the sunshine!!
friday was a halfday. went with cam after class. his house has just been sold, we did a drive-by to check out his 'possible' new digs. interesting.
slept last night. no hw (see code for HOMEWORK). i woke up at 3.30am, and did sudoku til 7am, them went back to sleep and got up at 9.30 ish. nice!
today has been great. just catching up on stuff that ive been missing out on cos of school (like greys anatomy episodes, etc). if i dont get anything to resubmit on monday, them ill even get out some dvds! how exciting! still trying to clean my room - i think its gonna take a while. im hiffing a lot of stuff out, so if anyone is looking for anything (a bit vague, i know), come and see me and i'll see what i can hook you up with.
'take care' shout out goes to tara! be careful when you are surfing. i thought some dude dropped in on you. sorry that your surfboard hit you in the head in shallow water (although im still a bit unsure how that quite happened...).
think im gonna head out for a swim tomorrow morning... cant wait!!

nighty night....

yes, im now as responsible as they come. in everything i do. and im happy with that.

i wasn't going to write for a bit but my week started off massive, so i must write.

i believe i have been making good decisions lately. its a shame that we never know if they are good ones or not until much later on, but as benjamin franklin said 'it's better knowing than wondering'. too true.

monday started off with 'bible in schools'. it was really nice. my kids (students) love God and that makes me happy. and the lady who came in and spoke to them is a sweet old lady. she told me some great stories before class and im looking forward to talking to her again this coming monday.
it was then that i realised how much i miss teaching the bible stuff. i did that in my first church. im going to talk to someone this sunday about serving in that area in the church i am in now. i love kids and i love the bible and i love to see kids loving God,,, i never had that growing up.
jump jam rocks. 3 of my kids are jump jam leaders and they have got all the moves - so smooth.
had my visiting lecturer come on wednesday. the kids behaviour could have been better, but then again i got a 'strong' credit for managing them, so all went well. now, im just planning and preparing. we go swimming for the next three weeks on mondays, tuesdays and fridays, so they are all really excited.
im getting along great guns with lyn, dot and kimberley (the other trainee teachers in my school). lyn and i are in the same syndicate and have very similar personalities, so hanging out and getting advice from each other has been beneficial for us both. plus, we are both cool, yo!! my associate and i have different personalities, humour and age difference, so its a bit of a grind at times, but im learning and thats the main thing.
bought me an 'awesome' hat for school. its summer and all the kids have hats. so when i do duty i have to wear one too - soooo daggy. id rather just wear the shades, but i will comply with any school policy. all good.
missing my classmates a bit. they are my official new family til june next year (along with my church family of course).
summer is coming. i loooove it. hayden and i (and my other classmate, rachel) car pool to our schools together, cos they are near each other. and we all surf together, too! so convenient that our schools are near titahi bay!! cool waves! but we gotta take tara soon, though (our canadian classmate)!! we will show her 'our' nz!!
we had armistice day assembly on friday. it was quite moving. i have now seen how ONE assembly has been run, and thats a good thing, cos next week my class has to run the thing! im slightly freaking out about that!!
having a great time with my drew. its a blast cos he gets on with all my friends too. and he is super positive about things, so he helps to motivate me to get through all the study stuff i have to do.
of course i miss all my friends now and again, here and abroad.. im busy, but im praying for each one of you. im grateful for any impact anyone has on my life. because its shaping me. thanks for praying for me. love yas.
looking forward to seeing aimee (melbourne) when she gets here and matthew, who is coming back for two and a half weeks at christmas. matthew went to japan about 6 months before me and is definitely one of my best friends. we can have a huge yarn about japan!! looking forward to seeing arounee when shes here too (coming home from sydney for christmas, too)!! claire.... can't wait to see you too! oli... when are you coming, bro??? my friends wanna meet a real life british/japan superstar (even if your modelling work is just a UNIQLO gig)!!!! oh, and they loved the fast and the furious tokyo drift movie!!! nice one!!

yes, good work family!! i have had a hard week, but its been so great!! really eventful!!

too many assignments, but an overnight stay at the whare (marae) and getting outta skool early! life is gooood!!

been having a few headaches lately, and i have put them down to the scholastic stress, but im going to go to a doctor to get them checked out, cos they are happening quite frequently these days. hmmmmmm. not to worry. im not!!

and i get to go to church today - cool! and see my friends - does it get any better??.... and tomorrow night is guy fawkes with heaps of fireworks, so im cruising around to kim's place after work (new skool placement) for a great night out, eh guys?!? must be careful - got skool early the next morning.

thanks for a great night on thurs y'all: it was cool. i have the best supportive friends in the world. i couldn't do this course without you guys. i know we are all tight - and i really think that we are da bomb family! and we are halfway - i know that we have all wanted to pull out at some point or wondered if this is really the career that we want, but lets do this... lets finish it!!

much aroha, kia ora.

some nights i sit with my nephew while he does his reading (he is five).
and i feel mean. he really doesnt like doing his homework. he can read and is getting better all the time. but to be honest, apart from doing it with him (cos someone has to), i do it cos i dont wanna do MY homework.

bad, hey??

So im gonna go and try and do some homework. its all good.

i had an awesome revelation yesterday. i have had a lot of 'physical' loss this year (with one of the hardest things being saying goodbye to leo) - but a lot of emotional gain from it. and God fully showed me something wicked (awesome). and so now im gonna hold on to that hope. i cant wait for next year.

its gonna ROCK!!

sometimes i think that my heart is busted. but at least it means i've actually got one. other times i know its not and im going to be ok.

ive had a bit of a mixed bag of fortune in the last 1 or 2 weeks.
i know i always say this, but i honestly believe my workload is 8 times as much as it was at uni when i did my under-grad degree. im being pushed extremely hard, and i know its to make me a decent teacher, so i have to try very hard.

on a bit of a sadder note, my friend (leo) died last week. he had cancer. he had been sick for years (he first noticed a lump on the side of his neck about 6 years ago). i met leo when i was going out with blair, so it was a long time ago. he was a really good mate of blair's and when we broke up (mid 2002), we lost touch. 
i caught up with leo again when i got back from japan, but he was really sick. in the last 3 months, i visited him at home cos he was too sick to go anywhere and the last time i saw him was the day after my birthday. the funny thing was, we exchanged gifts. he gave me a birthday present (a book) and i gave him a bone carving. 
he died last friday. its amazing how you think you can be better prepared for someone's death when you know they are dying. the reality is, it hits just as hard as when you dont expect it. the funeral was yesterday. leo's mum gave me back the bone carving. she said it was 'given with love, received with love - and (now) returned with love'. i have never been given back something from someone i've given something to (and cared about). now i know what that is like, and its pretty painful. and i dont know what to do with the bone carving.

today is a better day. i went to my nana's birthday party. i mainly just spoke to my cousins that are visiting from australia. but i also connect quite well with a couple of my aunties and uncles (they are quite a bit younger than my parents), so that was cool. im glad i went.
to me - family isn't ultimately defined by blood; its about the people you would do anything for - its about commitment.
this seems a bit superficial now, but its daylight savings time again! i love this time of the year, cos its easier to go to the gym, and you stay out later - cos the days just seem to go on forever! and we are supposed to get an early summer this year - so im hanging out for that!

ok - a thought to part with:

when people come into our lives they touch us; they change us.

be good.

for leo - there is a dull thud in my heart everytime i think of you.

today i have been a christian for 3 years! its been a long haul at times, challenging and a battle, but revealing and rewarding too! its all good.

currently tackling a couple of assignments, so needless to say im out of action (socially) for the next  week. email is the way!! its even hard to organise time to see my boyfriend!! i finished at my school yesterday - after 6 weeks and 3 weeks intensive training. got good reviews and stuff but there are a couple of areas that i want to focus in on, to get better at on my next  prac in november. the relationship building for that starts in october, so it will come around quite fast. i think i made 'an impression' of some kind, cos they asked me to help out with their kapa haka festival this wednesday. my time at the school is officially done, but i have a good relationship with my associate, the students and the school. plus, i know kapa haka stuff.
so im back at t-coll on monday. i'll miss the school stuff. i had a blast and learnt HEAPS. hope my next school is just as good. i get to see my classmates this week, so it will be great to see each other again! 

church in the morning! then have to do some work for school!! it never stops.

highlights from school:
# taking maths groups (when at first, i had to re-study the material, cos id forgotten heaps! and its not like you  can tell the kids that they are never gonna use it!!)
# being told i was one of my students favourite teachers. (and, no, i didnt force them to say that, cam!). i think the clincher there was when i did the marking last weekend, and rather than put crosses in their maths book, i talked to them on the monday and went through the material one-on-one (because thats what i think a good teacher should do). the student then totally understood the work and i realised i had a major breakthrough - i was totally able to get my maths strategies across! we did some extra work on it, and that student got 100% the next time round! that was my best teacher moment, for sure!!
# doing EOTC(education outside the classroom). always good to shake things up and get out of the classroom.
# the assembly on friday when the kids said goodbye - it was quite touching. its amazing the impact you can have on kids lives.

gonna run out now and see drew. we're gonna watch the game! yes!!!!!

yes, thats right folks, spring is here. and judging by the glorious (and believe me, i dont use that word too often) weather, summer isnt too far off either! the weather today was indeed the bomb!
going to try and head to the surf tomorrow, but i think i will be better off going to the gym, maybe. cos i might be late to school otherwise! and we cant have that....
did the church thing, cleaned my place up a bit, and got some fresh air. and saw a few of my closest friends! well done! but (groan), the rest of the night, i must plan and research. i think thursdays and fridays (and MOST of sundays) are now my favourite days - less stress.

so, im in a major change phase again! this is happening a lot in recent times - but it feels right, so im going with it! and i have vowed to not plan my life out in advance of the next three months. i used to stress so much about the future - ask my friends! it was always, 'when i grow up...', 'when i finish uni...', 'when i've quit smoking....', 'when i leave japan...'.
im just hanging out to see what God is gonna do next. 
you know, God IS answering my prayers. stay faithful, yo.

sweet.

ive got one more week left at my school. i then go back to t-coll for 2 weeks, then get 2 weeks holiday, then they chuck me into a totally new school. im really gonna miss the kids - ive grown quite close to them.

kids are great. they are so trusting, and it breaks my heart when i see kids get treated badly, or get a raw deal. so, i think im in a good profession for me. anything the students have told me, ive held in confidence. i dont think i could ever break a kids confidence. i had my confidence broken a bit when i was a kid, so its been good to be able to turn things around to show that you can really help people, if you just commit to it.
ive also got to see the other side of kids. probably what i was like, when i actually decided to go to school. they say there are 3 kinds of students. 80% are good (most of my class are). 15% are a bit tough, but mostly ok (i think i was in that bracket), and then there are 5% that go out of their way to be a bit tricky. i think my class follows that rule to a T.

but, out of the last 5 (nearly 6) weeks, ive learnt lots. and im so grateful. i have a thankful heart towards my associate teacher, who is very busy - a deputy principal and tutor teacher, as well as just an awesome everyday classroom teacher. also all the relievers with different styles who generously gave me tips on skills that are now new strings to my bow. and the students - 28 of them. it took me a while to get to some of them, but they are very helpful and they really want to keep in contact with me. its a shame, because i cant. but i take comfort in the fact that i have had time with them. thats been wicked. plus, im going to go to their concert that they are performing in october, even though by that stage i will be preparing for my next time in my next school.

friday will be a sad day. but this week, ill take a few photos (to remember them: my first real students! how sweet!). i havent taken many pictures since i got back. too busy, really. and i cleaned out my computer (when i got back to nz). i had A LOT of photos, and i decided to delete some. maybe i shouldn't of. i guess i thought id backed some of them up. but i dont really miss them, and life goes on.

this morning, i bought heaps of chocolate to give to everyone who has helped me. not to buy them off, but just to say thanks. i cant think of an alternative, and i wanted to do a nice gesture. plus, me (along with the other two student teachers) will shout the staff morning tea. and im poor again!! now i know why!! but id rather be poor and generous, than rich and selfish. (whoops, i almost wrote shellfish!).
tomorrow, the service is about fathers. its fathers day tomorrow. i probably wont have much to do with mine, but im ok. its all good.